A Dog and his Master
I want to love you like a dog loves his master
I wish to be loyal to you in the same way
Feed me as a master feeds his dog
Confine me and free me at your whim
Shelter me with your comfort
Discipline me, and bless me
Love me as a master loves his dog
lift me up when I stumble
Hug me and pet me, scratch my back to bring me joy
I will be loyal to you - die for you
I will love you more than anything
I will eagerly await you each day
Jump on on you and kiss you as if i thought you'd never come back
I promise to come back each time I wander off
Come after me when I do
Bring me back into the shelter
Discipline me because you love me
Show me what is right
Speak to me softly and be near me
Let me be a dog to you, oh Father God
Raise me and teach me to be loyal & loving
Beyond my reason or strength
If only the mere sight of you would be the best part of my day
Then I would know what to do - who to be
Light a fire inside my soul to burn out the bitterness, pride, anger and sadness
Let that fire consume me and burn away all the iniquity so that finally what is left, is a dog excited to see his master.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Poem/song 1
Dead Dad in Heaven
I want to love you, I need your love
Like a father cuddling his son, telling him it's going to be ok
Protect me father
Hold me in your arms
Cradle me as a child
I've pretended to be a man
Fought the enemies' battles for him
Pushed through
Kicked and screamed
Achieved and lost
Now before you
I realize I've gained nothing
I must lose it all to gain you
I need you
In transition I'm vulnerable
I'm weak
You can make me strong
You can lift me up
You are love - true
You are joy- true
Fill me up for I am empty
Give me strength where I have none
Clothe me for I am cold
Carry me for I am tired
Lift me for I am fallen
Teach me to love you and nothing else
Show me so I can imitate
I will know you through your word
I will imitate you by your deeds
I will die to you...for you
Raise me up from death
Shine your light upon me
-through me
Make yourself my pillar
My Rock
My Evermore
Break me
Shattered onto the cross
Strengthen me to carry it
So I can be with you
Amen
I want to love you, I need your love
Like a father cuddling his son, telling him it's going to be ok
Protect me father
Hold me in your arms
Cradle me as a child
I've pretended to be a man
Fought the enemies' battles for him
Pushed through
Kicked and screamed
Achieved and lost
Now before you
I realize I've gained nothing
I must lose it all to gain you
I need you
In transition I'm vulnerable
I'm weak
You can make me strong
You can lift me up
You are love - true
You are joy- true
Fill me up for I am empty
Give me strength where I have none
Clothe me for I am cold
Carry me for I am tired
Lift me for I am fallen
Teach me to love you and nothing else
Show me so I can imitate
I will know you through your word
I will imitate you by your deeds
I will die to you...for you
Raise me up from death
Shine your light upon me
-through me
Make yourself my pillar
My Rock
My Evermore
Break me
Shattered onto the cross
Strengthen me to carry it
So I can be with you
Amen
Friday, March 20, 2015
Current Reading
As I've been reading through the Psalms, a few have really stuck out to me. Psalm 10 and Psalm 36.
Psalm 10 describes the raw impact of who I've been, and the damage it has done.
Psalm 36 gives a different yet same perspective on the issue.
This thing that's been my life has been nothing but darkness and sinful - NOTHING good has come from it. All the 'good' deeds I've done are as filthy rags to God. The second part of Psalm 36 gives hope but right now I'm just feeling the negative.
It's probably a good thing - I need to FEAR God, I need to FEEL and not just compartmentalize everything. Hell is real, punishment is real. If i don't fear it, I have no reason to turn from it!
Psalm 10 describes the raw impact of who I've been, and the damage it has done.
Psalm 36 gives a different yet same perspective on the issue.
This thing that's been my life has been nothing but darkness and sinful - NOTHING good has come from it. All the 'good' deeds I've done are as filthy rags to God. The second part of Psalm 36 gives hope but right now I'm just feeling the negative.
It's probably a good thing - I need to FEAR God, I need to FEEL and not just compartmentalize everything. Hell is real, punishment is real. If i don't fear it, I have no reason to turn from it!
The Story so far
On February 23rd 2015 I woke up heavy hearted, desperate, and totally incapable of moving forward. I called my best friend and told him I needed to see him. That night we met in his house and I confessed to having lived in secret sin for the last 2.3 years.
2.3 years ago (Dec 09, 2013) I entered the waters of baptism. I had met my (now) best friend 4 months prior and we had built a relationship upon conversations of God and the Bible. Through study and soul searching - I found that I was far from God and something had to change. Weeks turned to months and eventually I was lead to the baptistry.
What no one but me knew at the time - is that I still had hidden sin in my life, I still had ulterior motives. I wanted to be in the ministry, I wanted to lead men to the promised land. But behind all of that was a darker side - the side that wanted power, the side that didn't feel good enough, the side that believed that "I" couldn't be saved, but "I" could help others be saved.
This delusion would have worked, except after two years I had not helped a SINGLE person become a disciple. Each day this revelation wore on me until a few weeks ago when I realized I was trying to fight God, and He wasn't having any of it.
He gave me power. He gave me status. He gave me the things I desired, except this ONE thing - the ability to connect to someone's heart, and lead them to God. And as such, I realized that the sin in my life was not going to just go away - HE had to forgive it, but in order for that to happen I had to get open and allow it.
I was stripped of all my 'power' and 'status', stripped of membership, and given a chance to repent and get open about my double life.
What became clear to me was that my entire life was built upon the foundation of PRIDE. Not necessarily the pride of "LOOK AT ME!" but the more deceitful and harder to see pride. The pride that says, "I know what I'm supposed to do, but I'm going to do it my way anyway."
And so, for the last several weeks I've been struggling to reform my life, turn from my sin and re-create a new foundation on JESUS CHRIST and HIS word. I honestly thought this wouldn't be that hard, however I was wrong. I'm currently reading my bible and praying every day - and it's changing my life. I'm reading the Psalms from start to finish and am at Psalm 37 right now.
What I've concluded so far is this:
I love my sin
I don't know God and don't fear OR love him
I'm empty and weak
I have a hard time with submission
I also concluded this:
Without being broken, I will not make it. I will die and go to Hell, and that is my punishment. I'm crying out to God right now to break me, shatter everything I know and think I know - this is the only way. I used to preach that the battered woman goes back to the battering husband because the fear of the unknown is greater than the pain of the known.
This is my plight, I must eat my own words, and embrace what Jedediah looks like if he's not Jedediah - and instead an embodiment of the Word of God.
2.3 years ago (Dec 09, 2013) I entered the waters of baptism. I had met my (now) best friend 4 months prior and we had built a relationship upon conversations of God and the Bible. Through study and soul searching - I found that I was far from God and something had to change. Weeks turned to months and eventually I was lead to the baptistry.
What no one but me knew at the time - is that I still had hidden sin in my life, I still had ulterior motives. I wanted to be in the ministry, I wanted to lead men to the promised land. But behind all of that was a darker side - the side that wanted power, the side that didn't feel good enough, the side that believed that "I" couldn't be saved, but "I" could help others be saved.
This delusion would have worked, except after two years I had not helped a SINGLE person become a disciple. Each day this revelation wore on me until a few weeks ago when I realized I was trying to fight God, and He wasn't having any of it.
He gave me power. He gave me status. He gave me the things I desired, except this ONE thing - the ability to connect to someone's heart, and lead them to God. And as such, I realized that the sin in my life was not going to just go away - HE had to forgive it, but in order for that to happen I had to get open and allow it.
I was stripped of all my 'power' and 'status', stripped of membership, and given a chance to repent and get open about my double life.
What became clear to me was that my entire life was built upon the foundation of PRIDE. Not necessarily the pride of "LOOK AT ME!" but the more deceitful and harder to see pride. The pride that says, "I know what I'm supposed to do, but I'm going to do it my way anyway."
And so, for the last several weeks I've been struggling to reform my life, turn from my sin and re-create a new foundation on JESUS CHRIST and HIS word. I honestly thought this wouldn't be that hard, however I was wrong. I'm currently reading my bible and praying every day - and it's changing my life. I'm reading the Psalms from start to finish and am at Psalm 37 right now.
What I've concluded so far is this:
I love my sin
I don't know God and don't fear OR love him
I'm empty and weak
I have a hard time with submission
I also concluded this:
Without being broken, I will not make it. I will die and go to Hell, and that is my punishment. I'm crying out to God right now to break me, shatter everything I know and think I know - this is the only way. I used to preach that the battered woman goes back to the battering husband because the fear of the unknown is greater than the pain of the known.
This is my plight, I must eat my own words, and embrace what Jedediah looks like if he's not Jedediah - and instead an embodiment of the Word of God.
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