On February 23rd 2015 I woke up heavy hearted, desperate, and totally incapable of moving forward. I called my best friend and told him I needed to see him. That night we met in his house and I confessed to having lived in secret sin for the last 2.3 years.
2.3 years ago (Dec 09, 2013) I entered the waters of baptism. I had met my (now) best friend 4 months prior and we had built a relationship upon conversations of God and the Bible. Through study and soul searching - I found that I was far from God and something had to change. Weeks turned to months and eventually I was lead to the baptistry.
What no one but me knew at the time - is that I still had hidden sin in my life, I still had ulterior motives. I wanted to be in the ministry, I wanted to lead men to the promised land. But behind all of that was a darker side - the side that wanted power, the side that didn't feel good enough, the side that believed that "I" couldn't be saved, but "I" could help others be saved.
This delusion would have worked, except after two years I had not helped a SINGLE person become a disciple. Each day this revelation wore on me until a few weeks ago when I realized I was trying to fight God, and He wasn't having any of it.
He gave me power. He gave me status. He gave me the things I desired, except this ONE thing - the ability to connect to someone's heart, and lead them to God. And as such, I realized that the sin in my life was not going to just go away - HE had to forgive it, but in order for that to happen I had to get open and allow it.
I was stripped of all my 'power' and 'status', stripped of membership, and given a chance to repent and get open about my double life.
What became clear to me was that my entire life was built upon the foundation of PRIDE. Not necessarily the pride of "LOOK AT ME!" but the more deceitful and harder to see pride. The pride that says, "I know what I'm supposed to do, but I'm going to do it my way anyway."
And so, for the last several weeks I've been struggling to reform my life, turn from my sin and re-create a new foundation on JESUS CHRIST and HIS word. I honestly thought this wouldn't be that hard, however I was wrong. I'm currently reading my bible and praying every day - and it's changing my life. I'm reading the Psalms from start to finish and am at Psalm 37 right now.
What I've concluded so far is this:
I love my sin
I don't know God and don't fear OR love him
I'm empty and weak
I have a hard time with submission
I also concluded this:
Without being broken, I will not make it. I will die and go to Hell, and that is my punishment. I'm crying out to God right now to break me, shatter everything I know and think I know - this is the only way. I used to preach that the battered woman goes back to the battering husband because the fear of the unknown is greater than the pain of the known.
This is my plight, I must eat my own words, and embrace what Jedediah looks like if he's not Jedediah - and instead an embodiment of the Word of God.
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